struggling

For those people wondering why I’m always bored…I guess I really need to talk about this. I’ve been like that for a long long time, and it’s difficult.

I’m struggling.

Struggling to go through every single day. Just dragging my feet along. Feeling empty inside.

I have lost sight of the goal. A goal. Any goal. I have none right now.

Yes, SPM’s near. But I cannot be bothered. I am above average in almost all subjects, excellent in some, bordering the A1 cut-off point in a few. I know getting a JPA will be crucial if I want to go overseas.But I cannot sense the urgency, or the full importance of this exam.

It doesn’t help that people don’t understand. How would they, anyway. No. Those that claim they understand are those that really don’t.

It’s not the pressure. But rather the lack of it. I don’t know. I am not used to being so free. Without anything to work for. After a roller coaster ride, I am drained.

I am like a land, parched and dry. No trees. Nothing green.

I folded paper cranes until 1.00am yesterday. I cried out of frustration.

I told mum and dad not to come to the prize-giving ceremony in school today. I told them the prizes meant nothing to me, and they should not think much of it either. Dad came anyway, “to show support for my daughter”. How persistent. Thanks, dad. If you ever happen to chance across this blog.

Life is worth living. But I need to rediscover its worth.

Or soon, I ‘ll be wasting away, and the fire will die out, leaving a wisp of smoke.

Something please happen. Anything.

曾文衡老师…

今早受到了您的噩耗…心情很沉重. 原本听说您是因为地板腐蚀了而从二楼跌下去,头脑受重伤而去世了.后来又听说您其实没有完全跌下去,而是被卡在被白蚁咬的木板之中,尖木刺入了您的身体,刺入您的内脏! 我想象到这一幕,觉得更难过了.这是一个很痛苦而漫长的死…

我们都不舍得您走.我不曾让您教过,但与您接触的日子却不少…

想起我三年级的时候,是您发现了我的才华,是您对我有信心,让我参加团结杯国语演讲比赛,与五,六年级的学生一比高低. 当时大家都不看好我这个内向的小女生,讲话又没气势,但您的鼓励却让我点燃了信心之火.老师,您该不会忘记我们一起去沙巴比赛的那段日子吧!! 一段好刻苦铭心的回忆…玩得很高兴很疯狂…我们学生笑您挖鼻孔…最后我又奇迹地获得了全国冠军.我到现在还很清楚的记得您当时喜悦的表情…

我不知道有没有向您道谢.

后来我五年级时您好像是红队队长,而我刚好也是红队的…结果我们在运动会当天也有了很多美丽的回忆…

前几年你打球的时候跌倒断了腿,我知道妈妈和婆婆都去探访您.

可是我没去.

最后一次见到您应该是六年级…

怎么突然间,您走了.都是H,K校的校舍太陈旧了,又没钱修理…让您白白送上了性命,这何等残酷….明天,相信报纸一定会大事报导.希望这不幸的事会让政府醒过来,多多关注华校的发展…千万不要再酿这么可悲的祸了…

老师…

…………

ATTACK!!

At last, my SPM trials have ended, save one subject that requires no revision—EST. I’m really sick of it, dull, monotonous, boring, dreary, wearisome. No, not because I have to stick my nose into a book 24-7, I’m just fed up about it. I don’t feel like revising, but I have to pretend to be reading all the same…so I wouldn’t feel guilty of relaxing if the results turn bad. Exams used to be a challenge, an effective potion that would keep me on my toes and sustain me through 5-hour nights, but not anymore. I now depend on my attentiveness in class and whatever I have in my memory to scrape through. Ah, I shall see whether this is working when the results come out…enough talking about it.

Besides the horrible exams, it does not help that I have been attacked recently, not by one attacker, but TWO.
The first, and greater one,being my brother.

It all started last week when Eugene woke up to the sight of his target happily whacking away at the computer keys at eight in the morning. He had been ticked off by dad last night because he was playing Pikachu or some other stupid action game on the computer. And he was simply incensed by the fact that I could use the computer without being yelled at by mum and dad.

Alright, so I had to compromise, as usual, switch off the computer, and seek refuge in my room while he howled, shrieked, and shouted at mum and dad for “unjust parenting”.

Mum and dad diverted his attention that day and spared me the brunt of his rage, but I was soon in his bad books again—I drank water from his cup after he told me not to. Teeny-weeny mistake of no significance,in my opinion, but he blared up…like a storm! He punched me twice, and commanded me in a booming voice to wash his cup with soap and refill the water for him!

Really. Look at what kind of treatment I get. And to think he calls me his elder sister.

That was yesterday. Today, I was harassed by a different breed of assailants—ants. My goodness! These creepy crawlies were all over me during my physics paper. They were interfering with my pen, dancing on my papers, running up and down my arm, and many got inside my shirt. Ugh. As a result, I spent half of my time killing ants, and the next half scribbling out my answers. I must have killed some thirty ants. Still, I have no idea where they came from and more importantly, I have totally no idea why they would choose to attack me.

Just hope it’s not due to the fact that mum just gave me a new quilt yesterday—with black ant motives all over it.

Well, I’ll just believe the ants were attracted to my sweetness, since I’ve been so sweet to bear with the blasted exams, and also Eugene The Evil. Hahaha…