It is frustrating and discouraging when I simply cannot do my tutorials after staring at them for a long time. Today has been especially bad. It makes me feel so stupid.

Still, I’ve recently been encouraged by a few lovely people! They’ve really blessed my heart…and given me assurance that God cares…God loves…eternally. God takes pleasure in each and every one of us, and everything works out for good for those who love Him.

Firstly I found out that Angel has to work part time to support her education in poly. She studies from 8am to 5pm, and works from 6pm to 1am! I know lots of people have to finance their own education….but I have never really understood how challenging it is to juggle the two. And I’m amazed, to see how joyful, cheerful, and generous she still is despite the struggles she faces daily. God’s love is just so evident in her life I can’t help praising Him for it.

Then Ivy shared her story with me on Monday while taking me to see the Esplanade. She shared the pains of seeing cancer kill her mother 2 years ago…how she overcame bulimia…how she dealt with anger when her father remarried and gave her a step sister to look after…and how God’s love changed her heart and her life during this time. The way God works is beautiful!

Most importantly, dad sent me an email to share his thoughts. Tears formed as I read it, once, twice, and again. Dad hardly talks at home…and he has just never been that personal to me. But I am glad because, as unlikely as it seems, he said this:

“Two weeks ago, God impressed on me that all along I have been trying to be a good son in the Yow family. From that day onwards, He wants be to be a good son in His family. It has been many years I do not receive this kind of face to face spiritual encounter with Him. It is nothing spectacular, but it is between Him and me. And it is private and precious. I thought I have been going through this dogged life trying to feed the family and keep the family business running. Yet, He knows my situation and my future. He has given His assurance. I hope I won’t be the next Jonah, running away from His will, but to equip myself with new knowledge and skill, preparing and waiting for Him to say Go.”

Really never expected that from dad.

Oh, by the way, I passed all sections of my NAPFA test…except the 2.4km run. Just need to be 10 seconds faster to get a D, and a silver award (NJC’s minimum requirement).

Having a long weekend break again…I’m going to do community work at Tan Tock Seng hospital, watch West Side Story at the esplanade, and catch up with homework. If only weekends last forever.

[Counting down to June holidays.]

Struggles..and His grace.

I really don’t like kiasu people.

Because they remind me of myself. Ouch.

Oh I struggle. Life is a continuous struggle.Twenty four seven. 24/7=3.428571428571…It’s a repeating non-terminating decimal! Going on and on.

[This post is going to be somewhat like that too. But don’t worry, this time I’m not whining.]

I struggle with my attitude everyday. I take comfort in others’ failures—in homework and in tests. I am secretly pleased when I see my roommates watching anime instead of studying. And, I am extremely displeased when you can understand physics and I cannot.

Despicable, shameful attitudes. That’s why I need forgiveness. And I need to renounce these attitudes every day.

I struggle with my eating habits too. (Actually eating junk is the most natural thing to do when you’re tired and feel like stoning but you can’t bear to be unproductive.) I always try to discipline myself, only to fail again. In fact I don’t believe I’ll ever succeed. I’m still trying.

And then I struggle to be diligent. I look back and wonder how I managed to be so driven by work, and I realise, unfortunately, I worked hard merely because success fed my ego. That’s what kept me going…until I crashed. You know, after winning trophy after trophy you suddenly realise…it can never really bring purpose and satisfaction. Believe me, no success (not that I have great successes) is ever going to be eternally fulfilling. Now, without that drive, I am hardly a hardworking person. But God commands us to be faithful and diligent, so I have to learn that with the correct motives, in a new light.

(Oh no!! Physics test tomorrow.)

I also struggle with indifference towards people. I need to ask God to fill me with His love and grace daily…to see others through His eyes, not mine. I remind myself to invest in building relationships, to be sensitive to needs around me. To place others above myself. (Oh this is SO not me.)

I struggled through depression last year, trying to get everything under my control. I just couldn’t. But now I know I can struggle differently. Not by my strength, but His. You know, it’s not that I have become more religious or that I’m trying to propagate religion, but I have discovered for myself that He is the only answer for me.

Heb 12:1 Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us.