Blissful Bubble

I am relatively happy, now that I’ve produced a somewhat acceptable draft of a speech titled Exam Fever, for my sister’s competition.

This morning I woke up to a quiet house and cloudy weather. For the first time in a long long time, I woke up feeling blissful. My stomachache from the previous night was gone, and I felt like I did not have a single worry. I burried myself in my pillows and breathed in their familiar smell, which I find to be one of the most comforting smells in the world.

After several moments I went downstairs to eat and oh, guess what I ate? White Gardenia! You have no idea how much I miss it after years of mum’s wholemeal, reduced butter bread and 2 years of stiff hostel bread. I am thankful for homemade bread but still, Gardenia is “so good, so fluffy, you can even eat it on its own”. Well, maybe I love it because I grew up on Gardenia. I would eat it for recess every single day for 6 years, until mum bought the stupid breadmaker and it was goodbye to Gardenia.

Right now I just have a couple of things to do: prepare for tuition tonight (and if I’m rajin enough for the coming weeks), mend the torn dictionary as mum requested and make pau.

Oh no I realize I have dance class later. I don’t like it, I tell you. But it’s the only way to force myself to exercise, so I’ve been at it half-heartedly, glancing at the clock every 10 mins or so. I know I said I loved dance but for now I feel totally sapped of energy whenever I think of it. And I have a nagging feeling that mum will ask me to rewrite the speech because it’s not up to her high standards.   

Sigh I want to stay in my bubble of mirth for a litte while longer. No angry frustrated people in the house, no shouting, no nothing.

p/s: I am fiddling with the idea of serving nuffnang ads.

Cold, bland coffee

At my very core, I am still as sad as ever. I can feel it, the clenching of my stomach, the strange sourness, the tensed shoulders. The bleakness of everything around, like a cup of cold, bland coffee. The occassional cheeriness is false and short-lived, like sticking that cup of coffee into the microwave oven then gulping it down so that the heat numbs your tastebuds.

*   *   *

OK I’ll cut the whining out. Ever heard of sadness being channelled into creative energy? Haa.

*   *   *

To a dear person who suspects spreading yourself out on the floor can cure unhappiness,

Are you back from your little tour today? Hope things are fine with you. You can tell that this is one of my friendlier, more generous moments, as I am usually flippant or snappy when I reply your smses. I just…want to be left alone sometimes. Sorry.

*   *   *

I had a good time with you today Shi Min. Thank you for luring the hermit out of the house.

Sigh, as if she’ll read this. I’m just trying to glaze over my current reclusive (and sedentary) (oh and sad) life.

The end times are coming…

The price of rice is sky-rocketing. Food shortage is becoming a problem even better off countries cannot ignore. The Indian PM has asked his citizens to eat 2 meals a day while the Thai PM has urged his to cut down the intake of rice. The weather is getting hotter. Global warming is laughing at us mockingly straight in our faces. The end times are coming I tell you.

And I, I am unfazed by all of this. =.=

Oh well I’m gonna spread myself on the floor and go to sleep again. Did I tell you I sleep better on the marble floor rather than on my mattress?

Yawn. Life is just dragging itself out these days.

That’s fine, except if I could just have a bit more, freedom. Like, drive to wherever I want without my mum asking me where I went, go out till 12 midnight, do that sorta thing. It’s not that my mum is a control freak (well sometimes she is but pretend I didn’t say that) it’s just that everytime she allows me to do something I feel a pang of guilt, as if I have to be a good girl at home and help with house chores and tuition work after that, which I do. You know why? It’s because I always hear “young people these days only know how to have fun” and “you are so lazy” conversations in my house!

But of course, the most common and irritating one is still “Yorr, you are really so fat. Did you exercise today? Have you lost weight yet?”

Now you tell me how I can not be miserable. How! How! There’s this HUGE pressure on me to conform to her ideal image of me! I know it’s for my own health and my own good but still! It makes me go out and eat even more only.

Sigh nevermind…life’s improving. The 9th episode of LOST 4 is going to be released soon and I have been following LOST faithfully by reading  the transcripts+using my imagination because I can’ be bothered to download it. It’s all about taking one step at a time, baby. I am optimistic about the future.

p/s: I think I have quite a flair for teaching. My students click well with me. But the best ones are so shy I just feel like giving them a good shake. Hmm I was shy too, still am. The kind that wouldn’t raise her hand to answer a question even though she knew the answer. How pathetic is that.

And if the teacher says something wrong I won’t even bother pointing it out most of the time, especially if I judge him to be a bit slow, or stubborn. Usually it’s because I think it takes too much effort to convince him of his error and explain the right thing. As long as I know what’s right who cares about the rest of the students!

That is how Chinese educated students have been brought up to be. The End.