I guess it’s important that I start reflecting upon my breakdown now, lest I never come around to doing it. Having learnt precious lessons, I don’t want to just forget all about it and move on.

“Christian healing comes then not by making a broken thing good enough to work but by delivering us from the power of that broken thing so that it can no longer rule us and by teaching us to trust His righteousness to shine in and through that very thing. The Lord heals by leaving the broken part right there in place, overcoming it by His nature. The world would fix the broken thing and rebuilt personal pride and confidence. The Lord says ‘We’ll fix it by not mending it at all! We’ll use that broken thing to give glory to God, and from that awareness of sin we will build a trust every day anew in God’s Holy Spirit to sing the beauty of Christ’s nature through us for all to see.” We do not have to say,” We’ll be careful to give you all the glory.” Once we fully understand our death in sin, He already has it all! We do no good thing. he accomplishes all. ”

“The Holy Spirit does not intend to improve us or make us better and better, He intends to bring us to fullness of death and make us new….If, on this side of mankind’s ultimate perfection, the Holy Spirit were to transform any area of a man’s flesh that he could always rely on that dimension of his character, that man would inevitably cease to lean on Jesus and begin to trust in his own flesh. There fore the Lord heals that we may have confidence and rest, but only in His ability to keep us, not in the strength of our character or our will to do right. Paradoxically we are healed by being taught to put no confidence whatsoever in our own flesh, simply to rest in Him. The permanence of our change is in His steadfastness, not something supposedly solidly built or changed in us except a fresh ability to trust in Him.” (Transformation of the Inner Man)

Wow. These words have never been so true to me. All along, I had always strived to become “perfect” in character by my own strength, my own will power (and I even thought I had partially succeeded. How foolish.). I thought God only played the supporting role, although I understood I was to let Him be Lord of my life. Little did I know that all of my efforts stemmed from bitter roots and self-serving motives. I like to think that God really sent me this breakdown to uncover the filthy things inside of me, deal with my issues one by one, and set me free.

Indeed, striving has left me weary, disillusioned, bitter, angry and dry. I had come to the point of total burnout because I was emotionally exhausted (trying to love others), tired of pretending to be someone society thinks I am, and struggling for acceptance from my parents (by aiming for higher and higher achievements). And as God revealed to me through the book, bitterness toward my parents stemmed from early childhood—the many times I was rejected, screamed at and hit by mum whenever I failed to perform, I merely pushed the hurts deep into the corner of my heart. I had become a very insecure person (although I am very confident on stage), with thick walls built all around my heart. God also showed me that I had become a very performance-orientated person. My self worth was based on how well I performed, not just academically, but to an even greater extent—socially. It was exhausting—and eventually, part of my spirit died. I simply refused to work for anything, I even felt no anxiety—I had become a zombie.

Knowing how important forgiveness is, I had also tried hard to learn to forgive my parents, and when I did not succeed, frustration grew. (I liked the false belief that I was spiritually superior to them, not retaliating when they wronged me. It made the prideful self in me feel good.)

But I was really relieved to know that God accepts me as I am—helpless and broken. Yes, I had known this mentally all along, but the truth never came to my heart—unconsciously, I had refused to accept it. “My parents only condemned me when I made big blunders, how can you, GOD, receive me lovingly when I fail?’ came my sinful reaction.

After many nights of becoming real, admitting hurts, crying, wailing, and lashing out at mum, we finally prayed for God’s forgiveness. I realised that my reactions to hurt were also as sinful as mum’s attitude, and I needed to repent of that. Perhaps that is why, before a baby ever does anything wrong, he is already sinful—human nature simply is. We cannot love as God does.

Thank God He has set me free! He has healed the little girl inside me of past hurts, and through His love I can be reconciled to mum. I now know we will never love each other perfectly, but God will enable us, for God’s love covers a multitude of sins.

And I pray I will learn to constantly surrender my “self” to Him, let go of the self-image I have painstakingly built over the years, and let Him do His wondrous work through me. I pray that God will reveal to me all self-serving thoughts and acts, purify and sanctify me.

Lord, help me to stay broken so that I never become self-sufficient. I have never known you as a Saviour, never really appreciated your death on the cross. Please make yourself known to me.