I haven’t really written much these months. Actually I have, but I guess some things are better left unpublished. Hmm. Let’s see, there was the conflict with my PRC roommate; the farewell for Josh (the model from Alaska), Inez (my sweet German friend), and Lin; stargazing on the Hwa Chong field and PW frustrations. This month will be the PW intensive month.
And I have been…emotional, feeling neglected and unloved and lonely. But I have released that to God, and He has forgiven my resentment and replaced that with fresh joy.
I realize my JC1 year is coming to its end. I actually feel a tinge of sadness, coupled with a sense of pride. It’s been a rough ride, with exhilarating moments here and there. The dread and dreariness, the struggle to keep alive…it’s all real. I thought NJC would kill me, suck everything out of me. At some points it almost did. I slog up the slope to school, see the blank stony faces of my classmates, and it just makes me want to yell at them, “Life’s not meant to be like that!” Some people have so little to live for. If only they would embrace God’s purpose for their lives. Or if they would just step out of their shell.
I am going to make a sweeping statement here: in my opinion (which might be wrong), the saddest thing about Singaporean schools is that there are so many opportunities designed to give students the most wholesome education, but few are able to enjoy it. There are genuinely happy, bright, and brilliant people around, but most students merely exist. Heaviness hangs in the air—you can feel it behind the laughter. Its…oppressive. But I don’t think they know. They’ve lived like that all their lives.
I come back and hear my Malaysian friends laugh, and the difference is immediately clear.
So I don’t really like the environment. It’s not the kiasuness Singapore is infamous for, it’s the lack of life. A flurry of activity can never compensate for that, it makes the deadness even more eminent.
I don’t know why things are like that here. There’s a lack of true joy and contentment, again, the lack of life. And it affected me, it still does. There were times I simply lost sight of God’s promises. I caved in, became cynical, and forgot that I am living out His exciting plan for me! I forgot that He made me to be a fragrance. I let the enemy steal it away.
But thank you God for mercifully preserving me. You are the fountain of life! You give me life to the fullest. You restore me and you quench my thirst. You turned the desert into pools of water, and the parched ground into flowing springs. (Ps 107:35) You show me that I need to constantly come back to sit at Your feet, to wait upon you, to delight in You, and let Your sweet presence fill me. Without you I dry up and wilt.
Sigh, I have grown to love NJC and its people. I hate to admit it after telling everyone that I don’t like studying in Singapore. 🙂