Sometimes I’m aware that I don’t truly love God.

When people sing phrases like “I will go to the ends of the earth for You”, “You’re all I’m living for”, the weight of these statements just bear heavily upon me and I never sing them because I know I would just be singing empty words.

I feel it’s so hypocritical when a leader asks a congregation “What is the top priority in your lives?” and everyone responds cheerfully, mechanically: God. God, of course. But I suspect a lot of us have comfort, happiness, success or self-importance as top priorities in our lives instead. The way we live proves it. We merely give The correct answer without even searching ourselves. Maybe that’s why our faith lacks depth. We pretend to be more spiritual than we truly are. Because pretending helps us feel better, gives us a sense that we are in control of our lives, and covers up the horrible condition of our hearts.

Some of us are defensive about our faith. In actual fact, we are just defending our pride, because when someone questions our faith they are really questioning our wisdom in choosing where to place our faith, rather than faith itself. It’s as if our intelligence or being is insulted when someone suggests that God can be disproved or that our god is not the right god. When we have problems or deep doubts about God, we hide them because we are terrified about what Christians and non-Christians will think about us. We don’t like to be shamed. We argue vigorously and debate stubbornly, unwilling to give up the argument until we convince the other party that they are wrong. And we smile smugly when we win. We sense a need to prove that our faith is the best!

But that is such a poor reflection of God’s love. God commands, but he does not demand. And I guess now I understand a little bit more why he created us with free will instead of the capacity to do only good. God loves like no one does. Because he loves so much he can wait painfully until we respond to his love. He waits…and invites. He knocks persistently because he longs for us to respond—and sometimes persistency annoys us—but he never forces. We do not have such a capacity. When I hurt I close up, detach, run away.

Run away. That’s the people who don’t evangelize in fear of offending others, who seem to be ever understanding and tolerant of other people and religions. Maybe we just hate being seen as argumentative. We are terrified by the defensiveness that rears it’s ugly head whenever we are challenged. So we run away, but we don’t realize it is sin. In our self-righteousness, we even congratulate ourselves on being so compassionate and considerate.

Shee Ven you were probably right when you said I shouldn’t strive for perfection or something to that effect. I shrugged it off and denied it, because I didn’t like to be corrected. I’m sorry. Now I think…we can never reach perfection on earth because our human hearts are so, so, so, evil. And “I’m sorry” is useless, because I don’t even have a sincere desire to put things right. And…so I think that’s why I need a saviour, not just a teacher.

Aiya I dunno. There are a lot of things I don’t know. But if we have to sweep our doubts and frustrations under the carpet in order to please God…then I think this God is not worthy of pursuit. I also think many of us should look honestly at our lives and admit our failure as Christ’s disciples every time we are convicted. We stop so many people from coming to Him by maintaining a nice facade and living our hypocritical lives.

Maybe I am just writing this in frustration. If I’m wrong anywhere, you can just tell me. But this is what I believe.