I’ve had a lot of time the past week. No official lessons, as we were busy hosting the Singapore International Science Challenge. I think the principal is very happy about its success. You know, the whole glorification of the school thing. Whatever. I have come to accept it. School not famous, no funding.

I went to watch Impressions on the 19th. I was mesmerized. I suddenly realize, this is the first, ever, proper, dance performance I’ve ever watched! Blame it on good, old, ULU Alor Star.

I wish I hadn’t stopped ballet. Not that I had much choice–intermediate classes were very demanding and expensive. Transport was a problem. And…I was too busy with St. John. Sigh. Regrets.

So, just go and learn again la, right. But it is not so simple. Ballet changes your anatomy. The dancer’s body is an instrument that needs to be finely tuned over the years. It takes years.

I haven’t had a ballet class in 5 years. Performances don’t count, and even if they do, the last one I did was in 2004.

I can’t hold a 5th position or do an arabasque anymore. The control, the line, and oh, the turnout, it is gone. Technique is not the most important thing to be a good dancer, but it matters. My ballet teacher! She is a gem, a gifted performer. But she did not correct my mistake until it was too late! I have a crooked back now, you know. I don’t wear tight shirts so it’s not obvious but sometimes I feel like punching the table. How come you never notice my mistake, how come how come. We need better teachers in Alor Star.

Oh and then there is the whole thing about being too fat.

I am upset. Well it doesn’t bother me constantly, but everytime I see people dance it all comes back. I am jealous.

I can still remember, they wanted dancers who could go on pointe for Western. They asked me if I was going on pointe soon, but how was I going to pay for ballet classes in Singapore? And for hip-hop, well, whatever. Maybe there were too many people (>100 vying for 20+ places), maybe I was not good enough. I console myself with the former.

Auditions, auditions, auditions. I never had to do any auditions. I am used to getting asked. Please take part in this. Please help us perform. The transition from a small pond to a bigger one was, is, uncomfortable. =) But I learn. Yes, I learn. You need to audition until you get what you want. And maybe pray hard that you will get noticed in the crowd.

Anyway, to me, a good dance is one that can tell me a story. No, it isn’t necessarily a story that can be told in words, but you have to convey something. Watching a dance cheorographed just to fill up the music, danced by stony dancers with plastic smiles, is boring. It’s like channel surfing on TV.

How sad, not everyone thinks the way I do. =D. Some people are wowed by technical virtuosity…did you see how high he jumped? How many turns she did? I hate this kind of conversation.

Of course, a wider vocabulary will better equip you to convey the nuances of emotions. But think of your favourite writer. Does he strike you as the one with the best vocab?

So don’t judge dancers that way as well.

Haha, I actually don’t like to write or talk about dancing. Partly because I don’t need people to laugh at me, my impossible dreams, and also because my writing cannot do it justice.

On another note, I finally found A Dancer’s Journal at the Esplanade library. Thank you Jing Ying. It is probably the closest I’ll ever get to know what it’s like to be a dancer.

Okay. It is perhaps time to get back into the real uninspiring world of math and chem tutorials. =) Term has been good, despite the first few dismal weeks.