The past few months I’ve almost taken up residence at Ate (A-teh= big sister in Tagalog) Ashley’s house, like the adopted daughter, they says. (Or a parasite, I say.) I don’t know what I would’ve done without their home to go to.
I’m happy there. I wake up to breakfast on the table, wireless connection all day round, and I can just do whatever I like at their house! Well that probably isn’t entirely true; Ate Tere laughed when I told her that. Ate Leah is always breathing down my neck to go to school and study, for instance. And she has this pursuit of cleanliness chart they have to tick off every week.
But there’s a certain spontaneity of life there that is so endearing. Or maybe it’s because I get to observe everyone go about their routine as I while the day away.
I catch snippets of “adult conversation”–relationships, marriage, finances, jobs. I see how Deb conducts herself over the telephone. I watch Teresa paint her nails, and Czarina, sometimes. I watch her do her math tutorials. She’s a math major, going to be a teacher. We watch TV together, all of us, whoever is in the house.
And…I watch the great cook Ate Leah in the kitchen! She taught me how to do their Filipino dishes. They let me cook, as well, whenever I want.
Okokokokokok….enough of small talk. It isn’t November 20th yet!! My discipline is pathetic, I know. But i cannot tahan already. I am so lonely you know.
So. Let me just tell all those who are interested about my incredibly interesting updates. Lol.
If you are sharp, you might have already picked up from above that I have some…problems. To start off, I completely screwed my trials. My trials that would get me to the US. I only completed less than 30% of each paper. I don’t even understand why. I couldn’t, I didn’t want to, I dunno. And that doesn’t really matter to me. Just need to illustrate the severity of things to all those people who keep saying “Jasmine is so smart she doesn’t need to study” or “Jasmine never come to school secretly study at home”. WHY IS IT SO HARD TO BELIEVE ME.
So they forced me to see a psychiatrist in Singapore which burned a freakin hole in my pocket. It’s just a good thing I’ve been working over the past few months. At a restaurant. I was so happy working there but the jabatan pendidikan musn’t find out. But that happy story will be for another time.
Are you still with me?
I’ve been diagnosed with cyclothymia, or mild bipolar, by my good doctor in Alor Star. I have family history of mental disorders, so the doctor says I’m likely to have the genes. All it takes is a trigger, which I assume was during my form 5 year. If you’ve read up on the disorder, you’ll know that there are highs, lows, and normal periods. Now I’m normal/high, which is why I can write this happily.
Well actually, I don’t even believe there’s anything wrong with me right now! But Dr. Doreen insists that I need medical help. I need to take meds for at least a year. We’re still experimenting with the meds currently. Lexapro, Lexotan, Epilim. These kind of meds, they’re not like antibiotics, panadol. The effects are uncertain, and there are lots of side effects. They make me dizzy, drowsy, agitated. Ahh see how this guy puts it. I like his blog. Read all of his entries if you want to understand me.
Now that I know what’s wrong with me, I’m actually loads happier. Before this, I was in a rage. I have long angry tirades saved up in my pen drive. I have always wanted to lash out here, but people tell me that’s not good behaviour. And you gotta give me credit for restraining myself. : )
I was angry with life. With myself. Disappointed with God. Disappointed with Christians. And extremely annoyed by all those well-meaning people who gave me advice!
You need to pray more…you’re not praying enough, not claiming God’s truth enough, that’s why you’re always depressed. You need to be joyful. You need to think less of yourself and focus on other people, and God. You need to be more humble. You need to open up, don’t always think that people are judging you. You need to develop an attitude of gratitude.
It made me so ashamed.
My faith, my faith has been shaken. It’s still there, but shaken. I do still have the assurance that God is good, He has good plans for me. But I’ve become more subdued in claiming things.
But seriously, I am well. All shall be well. So just let me be. Don’t treat me any different than you used to. My classmates, they’ve been incredible (although I have been excused from school since August.) Thank you all of you.
My doctor says it’s unwise to tell people I have a disorder because there’s a lot of stigma associated with it. But I think, it would be much worse to have people ask me why I’m suddenly switching my study plans, why I’m not maximizing my talents. That really insults me, after I’ve tried so hard to do so many things.
Sometimes, I have this perverse desire to drive to my old school and tell the headmaster: look what you did to me. You ruined my academic prospects. 😉 But of course it’s not his fault.
You know all you people who look up to me as an example…I’m really sorry.
I guess that’s it. For now, there’s nothing really terrible about my disorder, so no need for sympathies. I have suffered a lot, but that has passed. Whether I will continue suffering, we will wait and see.
I’m home now. Just until the doctor can determine the right dosage. And then I’ll go back and deal with the As. Just before I go, you need to know this: I didn’t go nuts because I couldn’t deal with the stress. I can deal with stress my dears. What I don’t like is being misunderstood, being taken too lightly (you don’t understand my inner torture!),and being pitied (what is my suffering compared to so many other people).