Sometimes my emotions surprise me.

I can laugh at myself. I can hold up my 0.5/80 chem paper 3 and laugh at the grim failure, in good cheer. I pop my happy pills everyday without a single thought that I am “ill”. I enjoy many things in life. For the most part I am genuinely cheerful and friendly. I don’t have to put on a facade.

But I am hurting, and my suppressed heart is not well.

I was upset when I got my prelim result slip on grad day. I was at the 0th percentile for all my main subjects, meaning I was the lowest of the lowest of my cohort. My GP was at the 87th percentile, the only comfort I got.

You know how they say, people used to success usually don’t deal with failures very well…I hated that. I didn’t want to be like that.

But I am, inescapably, sad.

I was upset when they named the top students too, when they gave out special prizes to outstanding students who have “overcome all odds” and have been a “shining example” to us all.

What about me. What about me. Do you have any idea how difficult these 2 years have been? Maybe I should’ve just quit in April, should have listened to myself instead of others’ good advice. All, all the good advice.

I sobbed hard on Sunday. I sobbed at the condition of my crushed heart…so deformed…so starved for love…yet unable to comprehend it…unable to receive and unable to give…

God I thought you had healed me. I claimed that you had. I believed it. But no, you haven’t. I don’t dare read my blog archives.

And people, people, they disappoint. They cannot give unconditionally. Just like me. In our broken world, those that seemingly do so crave to receive as well.

God when will you restore my spirit? When will I be able to trust and believe again?

I’ve closed the comments section. This is not for comments. Don’t deprive me of solitude without offering me quiet company (quote from somewhere). I really just need permission to feel upset, to be quiet, to be still. It makes me content. Let Him comfort me.

Anyway, last week I had healthy progress with my work. On Saturday I completed a 3 hour math paper (with references to answers and workings). After that, nothing. Saya minta lagi satu kerja sebagai marketing rep sebab restoran saya telah pindah. Syiok belajar. Tapi kawan kata, saya sudah gila. 2 minggu kepada exam kerja lagi.

Jangan kasi tau orang ya.

 

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