For a few months already, I have not been paying attention to sermons at church. I cannot apply what I hear to my life. Statements like “We have God, who needs Prozac?” are proclaimed and I…how…what am I supposed to feel?

Just wait until they need Prozac. ;P

Anyway, that day he was talking about putting on the shield of faith as part of the full armour of God.

I have heard the whole armour of God talk many times. I have fervently practiced it before, and subsequently become cynical. So I was just sitting there…my thoughts drifting in and out.

Well, if you remember, I see myself as Violet from The Incredibles. Halfway through the sermon, it gently occurred to me that Violet could generate a forcefield to protect herself from danger. She had a shield.

I began to tune in to the preaching. I was shown the many instances in the bible when God assured His children that He was their shield of favour, protection, strength and victory. The words slowly trickled into my doubting heart.

I have a shield…that can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one (Ephesians 6:16). I have a shield.

BUT. What if I can’t carry it? I demanded. I am so tired, SICK of all this Christianity talk. I really am.

Reluctantly, I read Psalm 91:4. He will cover you with his feathers, and under his wings you will find refuge; his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart.

I guess we all have a choice to receive or to reject. Sometimes it is anger, rebellion, and disappointment that cause us to turn away.

That morning, I was silently moved to accept God’s truth.

This is me right now. Withdrawing…coming back…doubting…believing…asking questions…demanding answers. Well, sometimes answers are not for us to get.

* * *

(A later update)

Sometimes I wonder why I even bother. I’ve not seen God’s promises come through. Why not just give up on Him? Is it because I don’t want to acknowledge that I’ve been believing in a non-existent thing all my life? Is it?

But now I think I understand why…why I’m still hanging on.

Because my father held me tight. He did not let me go.

2 Corinthians 1:21 says, it is God who makes me stand firm in Christ. he anointed me, set his seal of ownership on me, and put his Spirit in my heart as a deposit, guaranteeing what is to come.

And Ezekiel 34:12 says, As a shepherd looks after his scattered flock when he is with them, so will I look after my sheep. I will rescue them from all the places where they were scattered on a day of clouds and darkness.

Oh you can expect the wrestling to continue. I question angrily, I lose hope. I am after all bipolar a fallen human. =)

But somewhere deep inside, I believe God has planted in us a longing for Him. How can I simpy disregard that.