It has been a harried month for me. The Change Your World tour—writing and dancing, book sales, responding to different commitments, losing energy and enthusiasm for my assignments…they had started to distress me. I have been tired and as much as I hate to admit–a little low.
What stressed me the most was selling the book as quickly as possible, because I had pledged the profit from my first 200 copies to an important cause that I wanted to give to before I left for Australia, and of course I still needed to pay my publisher. Well, all this stress is ridiculously silly and self-imposed, because I have money in my education fund which my dad said I could tap into because I am filthy rich ;). But my small mind which must have been wrongly wired somewhere just could not accept that option somehow—it felt like cheating.
Promotion was a lot of work. It stressed and disgusted me. If I ever start a company I will want someone with great salesmanship and PR at my side (I believe my sister is growing up to be the perfect candidate). I just cannot do all that…I guess it’s the lack of confidence, and the absolute fear of people’s response. As the days passed the ability to thicken my skin crumbled and I didn’t want to look at the piles of books in my room anymore. I began to wish I hadn’t sent my script (impulsively?) to the publisher, I began to be convinced that the writing was lousy and maybe I should have said this instead of that, and then perhaps I shouldn’t have revealed so many things about myself, I began to feel vulnerable as I listened to different comments…and for a few moments it seemed I could not remember why I had written the book in the first place.
Proverbs 19:21 Many are the plans in the mind of a man, but it is the purpose of the Lord that will stand.
When I read this on Sunday morning, sitting in the last line of chairs at church, I wept. It’s been a while since God’s word ministered to me so powerfully and just completely overtook my thoughts. I can’t even remember the last unhurried time I had with God…ever since the madness began.
I wept at God’s complete sovereignty…so great such that in the midst of the big questions and struggles of life, His purpose prevails! I saw again, remembered again, that I was so convicted I needed to publish this book, I was looking forward for God to use it to minister to people that need to hear my story. A story that again, shows that God’s purpose always prevails, no matter how much you screw up!
In that instant, all my worry and fear was replaced by a divine trust. An easy peace that does not sigh at the pile of books left in my room any more. Doors will open, people will come. No need for a frenzied rush. If I need money, money will come. If I need intelligence and wisdom and eloquence in speaking, God will give it to me. If I need favour, it will be granted. Whatever God calls me to do with my life, He will equip me adequately. That morning, I really started knowing and believing. I caught the verse, I really just caught it! If you continue reading the chapter, the next verse says…all that is required of you is steadfast love.
My mustard seed faith sprouted its first shoots.