Abide to or abide with or abide by? I’m revisiting grammar all over again because…I now have a proofreading/copywriting job! Negotiating charges felt so foreign, I had to look up websites for advice on how to quote my price. LOL.

Unfortunately, still a Malaysian client. What I’d really love is something that pays me in AUD, but job hunting turned out harder than I thought. And I don’t really have the time anyway. And this is something related to writing.

I only have classes twice a week but time just seems to disappear you know. Assignments? Cooking? Trying to read? Think? Dream?

Lately, I feel my thought processes have evolved. Unfortunately, the ability to string words together has not followed suit. The thoughts are trapped in my head, unable to find an outlet. Maybe if I sneeze or cough hard enough, they’ll come out? It feels like angry waves walled in, a fridge stuffed full, champagne ready to pop. But the cork won’t come out. The bloody cork won’t come out.

Like I read all these articles about Aceh when analyzing a news story for my presentation, and suddenly I just get scared. I don’t know what to believe anymore. Is what I read true? What are they shaped by? Why? How do I choose? Ask me to explain and I can’t. And by the way who is that blonde girl who comes to class and sits alone and goes back home? Why doesn’t she want to befriend me even though I try? Doesn’t she care about making friends in class? OK I didn’t have to say she was blonde, but she is. What is it about whites that scare me? I can’t put a finger on it. Why are they different? Why can they get away with sitting on tables, taking off their shoes, crossing their legs, sitting in the middle of the street…whatisitwhatisit!! I don’t know how to explain it. I don’t even know what I think about it. It’s just different. And the way they dress, I fall in love. Why are so many Asian students segregated from that? Why. It’s a big aching why. And what was that sandwich with coloured sprinkles in it doing on the grass at the bus stop? Who left it there? Why does my tutor say getting P1 is a ‘very very very’ good grade? Are people essentially the same all over? Are they?

Sometimes, I still have nightmares of Singapore. I literally wake up from grey uniforms and Chem lectures. And when I hear buses rumbling past on Rundle and…look! It’s a 145! A 171! A 174! It really seems like I’m back! Quick, EZ Link card! And then…oh, it’s the ticket puncher waiting to swallow my red ticket.

Maybe, maybe I am too complicated for  my own good. But I like myself, you can’t ask me to ignore that restlessness. It’s not that I don’t simplify, I really do: life’s mostly really simple for me. This is just a little corner of nothingness for me to…breakout.