Was clearing out old mail and looking at the kind of things I wrote three years back made me want to laugh and cry, and made me realise what gems I had in my life who gave me such sound advice that rings true…look at this email dated 09.07.07:
hallo jiu jiu.
it’s so hard to write this because i don’t really know what’s wrong, why i’m so angry and disappointed, why i’ve been tired for so long.
all i know is that i’m not getting better or refreshed, and it’s been 2 years now. which is probably why i’m getting angry, and ashamed.
>> OBVIOUSLY I AM NOT AN EXPERT, NONE OF US REALLY ARE …EVEN MEDICAL DOCTOR, I HAVE REALIZED THAT THE BEST DIAGNOSE IS ACTAULLY A COMBINATION OF YOU, PARENTS, LEADERS WHOM YOU CAN CONFIDE TO AND GOD … THE CORD OF ALL THESE HELP ONE TO OVERCOME ALL, I MEAN ALL SITUATION IN LIFE THAT ONE CAN FACE …
ANGRY? AT WHAT? YOURSELF? LIFE?
IF YOU CAN HAVE A HANDLE TO THOSE TWO, IT HELPS … IF NOT, IT’S OK! PARTLY AT TIMES THE WAY WE FEEL OR REACT IS ALSO A CONDITION OF THE DAYS WE ARE LIVING IN … THE BIBLE CALLED IT THE LAST DAYS … IT’S MARKED BY 1) DIFFICULT TIME, 2) DISCOURAGING TIME AND 3) DECEPTION TIME. AT TIMES I CAN SUDDENLY FEEL VERY DOWN TOO (TOO YOUNG FOR MID LIFE CRISIS, HA!) … PARTLY IT’S THE DAYS THAT WE ARE LIVING IN! NEWS IS BAD, SOCIAL UNREST INCREASES, ALSO AS YOU GROW IN LIFE, PROBLEMS GROW ALONG TOO!!
SO, GOOD IF YOU KNOW WHY; IF YOU CAN’T PIN POINT, SLOWLY WORK THRU THE “WHY” ….
TO BE FAIR, YOU ARE STILL GROWING OUT OF YOUR TEENS … I GUARANTEE YOU THAT GIVEN ANOTHER 10 YEARS, YOU WILL FACE WHAT YOU ARE GOING THRU DIFFERENTLY … TEENS HAVE YOUR EMOTIONS ATTACHED VERY MUCH TO IT … THUS AFFECTING HOW YOU FEEL, THINK…ETC!
i’ve tried to understand it, talked to people, determined to walk away from hurts of the past, but it doesn’t seem to work.
>> SOME HURTS “STAY” SO TO SPEAK, MANAGING HURTS RIGHTLY IS MORE ACCURATE TERMS … IN DEALING WITH HURTS, THE MORE YOU MAKE “OVERCOMING” DECISION OVER WHAT YOUR EMOTION TELLS YOU … THE MORE YOU RULE OVER THEM, AND NOT THE OTHER WAY ROUND …. ME AS A PASTOR, FACE DIFFERENT KIND OF HURT OPPROTUNITIES ALL THE TIME … PEOPLE CRITICIZE, PEOPLE ACCUSE, COMPLAIN, PLUS PERSONAL INCOMPETENCY …ETC! THE TRUTH IS AS YOU GROW UP, YOU CAN BETTER MANAGE THAT … PART OF LIFE JOURNEY
i don’t think there’s any unresolved issue…it’s just a constant sadness and tiredness….and as time goes by, i start to wonder why i’m spending my time n energy sowing into things i don’t really believe in? studies…church activities…etc.
>> TIREDNESS AND SADNESS ARE SIGNS OF BURNOUTS THAT ONE GOES THRU AT DIFFERENT STAGES IN LIFE … I WENT THRU SUCH SOMEWHAT NOT TOO LONG AGO… WHAT HELPS ME MOST ARE 3 THINGS THAT I DID:
CONSISTENT EXERCISE – PHYSICALLY IT HELPS ME TREMENDOUSLY
OPEN UP AND SHARE WITH MY LEADERS TEAM
TOOK TIME OFF TO SEE / GRASP A CLARITY OF DIRECTION
and i’m lonely, because i don’t think people understand me, and i don’t know how to communicate in a way that people would understand.
>> LONELINESS IS REAL … I HAVE OFTEN MET PEOPLE WHO ARE AS SUCH … THE WORLD CAN BE A REAL LONELY PLACE; NOT SURE WHY, PARTLY THE SET UP OF SOCIETY, MOBILE .. PEOPLE MOVING AROUND, PEOPLE TRUST LESS, PEOPLE PURSUE WRONG PRIORITY, …ETC!! I OFTEN SUGGEST PEOPLE TO LOOK MORE EXTERNAL, MEET OTHER NEEDS FIRST, STEP INTO OTEHRS’ WORLD .. IN DOING SO, GOD WILL LET OTEHRS STEP INTO OUR WORLD …
i think whatever hope or optimism i had has all vapourised.
>> ONE OF THE BIBLE WORD PRACTICAL IN LIFE IS CALED “PERSEVERANCE” … SOMETIMES JUST AS EPH 6:18 SAYS … HAVING DONE ALL, STAND!! I DO THIS WELL AND RATHER OFTEN … MANY TIMES, I AM LOST .. I JUST STAND! WHAT DO I STAND? I STAND THE FACT THAT GOD LOVES ME, STAND ON THE PROMISES THAT HE IS IN CONTROL … STAND ON THE PROMISES THAT THERE IS AN ETERNAL HOPE AWAITING ME … STAND ON PROMISES THAT I HAVE SO MUCH TO THANK GOD FOR …ETC!
of course there are other things…strained relationships (which i did resolve, n i’m glad i did)…but basically i’m just tired of life..
>> OK, FIND SOMETHING THAT YOU LIKE TO DO WITHOUT TRYING TO SHAKE YOUR CURRENT BALANCE … E.G. I LOVE SPORTS, I LIKE TO WATCH SPORTS TOO … SO, I PLAY MY BADMINTON, WATCH MY ARSENAL WHEN I CAN … AND THIS LITTLE ACTIVITY HAS BALANCED UP MY SOUL A FAIR BIT … NOTHING SPIRITUAL, BUT YET IT’S EVERYTHING SPIRITUAL IN A SENSE … WHAT DO YOU LIKE TO DO?
FINALLY, A LOT OF WHAT I WROTE … I HAVE NO TIME TO QUALIFY AND AMPLIFY; MOST OF THE THINGS THAT I SHARE WORKS IN MY LIFE! I WANT TO LIVE A BEAUTIFUL AND MEANINGFUL LIFE … THE IMPACT PART I LEAVE IT TO GOD …. I DON’T WANT YOU TO MINSUNDERSTAND IF THERE ARE THINGS THAT YOU DON’T QUITE UNDERSTAND … ALSO, IF YOU THINK IT HELPS, THEN WE CAN EMAIL ALONG … BUT IF IT’S “TOO THEORY” IN YOUR MIND, : ) THEN YOU DON’T HAVE TO .. I WILL FLOW WITH WHAT’S BEST FOR YOU …!!
REMEMBER YOU ARE JASMINE!! THE BEAUTIFUL FLOWER THAT GOD CREATED TO BLOOM AND BLOSSOM!
OK … OK… GOT TO GO BACK TO WORK FAST …! Ha!
Haha…I reread and reread and reread….I don’t know anybody as wise who speaks and writes garbled English, and replies emails in caps…WHAT A HUGE BLESSING YOU ARE JIUJIU!!!!