This is a bit private but I am sharing it because I feel a lot of people sweep their emotions under the carpet and don’t know how to deal honestly with their thoughts and feelings. They never find their breakthrough because of that. Hopefully this will give you a glimpse of what communication with God can be like…at least at my current level. Enjoy Leslie’s song too, they have a special preciousness.
My friend got married over the weekend.
She was fully woman, and yet so much, a little girl.
A little girl who knew she was embraced, and loved, and celebrated by everyone around her. I almost couldn’t watch that.
I saw her parents whispering to her as they walked her down the aisle.
Watch your step, I imagine they cautioned anxiously. I saw her bridesmaids and even her wedding planner hover around her, making sure everything was perfectly OK.
I started crying because it was too beautiful to bear.
How many girls would die for a chance like this, and how many girls would never ever get it in a broken world.
My heart can ache because for the most part of my life, my heart did not know what it was like to be allowed to just be a little girl…I’ve always needed to be a little girl and excellent, a little girl and hardworking, a little girl and studious…it was always ‘and something else’. I never knew I did not need to be anything more.
Before the wedding, I was stressed, trying to get more than 20 people ready for a performance. That’s a lot of people – people who sometimes fail to see the urgency of tasks at hand.
I saw them snapping pictures, celebrating each others’ dresses, looked at my own, my swollen left eye and my lack of make-up, and I started to feel resentment creeping in. I thought I was well-rested, I was ready to carry the load, but apparently it wasn’t enough. The stress chipped away at my good attitude and I couldn’t handle it. I knew I just needed to get away and lay it all before God before I could dance with heart on that stage.
I found a bench, stared up at the green lawn and fluffy clouds, and I asked God: how do I keep holding out my beauty when I’m unsure if it’s even welcome or embraced? How do I keep myself vulnerable, the holy kind of vulnerability you want our hearts to have?
When will it be my turn? I am very sure of your promise for me, more sure than I’ve been of anything else. I know I am your little girl and I want to trust in that beautiful promise. I know the wait will be worth everything. But can I wait? How do I not take matters into my own hands? How do I trust you?
How do I trust you has been my primary question to God lately. I don’t expect an answer. It’s like standing on the edge of a cliff and asking your bungee jump instructor, how do I jump? There are no real answers. Relationship is built as you keep asking and receiving reassurance.