There have been many a time where I’ve tried to start a blog post lately – but the words never materialized. The backspace key on my keyboard has been worn down while the publish button on screen gathers imaginary dust. I’m sorry if you’ve been waiting.
Partly, I’m frightened by the prospect of graduating – it’s never been so clear to me that I, and only I, make my own decisions and bear the consequences. No one can make decisions for me. I can’t follow advice hoping to pin the blame on someone else when things go wrong.
Subconsciously I keep thinking about what I really want to do with my life, while I consciously push those thoughts away. It’s silly to think too much, very futile: I don’t have a master plan, and I know I’m not going to have one. I hold on to what I know: you be faithful with little, God blesses you with more.
Just be diligent. Just be faithful. Learn to love God wholeheartedly. Do my best at school/work, forgive myself when I fall apart, turn up to capoeira, and keep connecting with people. I ask God to help me keep things simple when the restlessness and contradictions just threaten to overwhelm. It eats at me like, I don’t know, a lil bit like chewing on sotong strips. I feel a bit silly surrendering this thing I can’t identify to God, but I do it. I have decided and am deciding that yes, this is the God I can trust. This is the God I am going to trust. I am going to build my faith despite and perhaps because of everything I don’t know. I want to keep a soft heart towards Him. I suppose it is going to be my lot for a long while more – wrestling with identity and purpose and working through the instability and remnants of sorrow and cynicism. This unsure heart and restless mind, they get in the way of dreams and greatness.
More practically, it’s my last week at Radio Adelaide. I’ve really become quite comfortable in my role. Even waking up to catch the bus in the 4C cold no longer seems like such a terrible thing. I’ve learnt so much and improved heaps.
On a bright note – and an update for those who care – I start at 5AA next week, helping to produce Mornings for 3 months. To the person who recommended me for the position – thank you very much. I am absolutely grateful!