I felt a deep ache reading this today.
At Easter we are again reminded of a King who offers us new life, forgiveness of sins, and relationship with God forever. He gave everything for us so that we might get everything from him.
It is the deal of a lifetime. But it demands that we lay down our arms, put up the white flag of surrender, and bow before him. The King of the Universe does not force us to do that. He simply offers his nail-pierced hands as proof of his tremendous, mind-boggling love for us.
It is fully up to us if we will receive that love, or reject it. My prayer is that we all choose very wisely indeed.
My heart cried out, I don’t know how. How long more will I wrestle?
I do not know how to receive love and goodness and kindness!!! I have to earn everything.
I have observed that of myself lately – I earn everything and perform for everything.
A sense of angry indignation flares up at different moments, amid the fairly suppressed and controlled way I handle life, especially the unpleasant parts of life. I am usually mechanical: do what is right, deliver on responsibilities, disengage with the emotions.
It is so ingrained in me I hate it. I loathe it. I despise it. This people-pleasing madness I suffer from. HOW and WHY did I become like that?
Granted, I am more intense and angsty than the average person.
But still. Is it not a valid cry? I desperately want someone to journey with me.
But is anyone meeting me where I’m at? Is anyone? I suppose some people try, but they seem to be on a different plane. It doesn’t connect. Plus I am realistic, observant, critical. I HATE it when people try and dupe me with nice-sounding words.
Maybe I am obnoxious and proud. But I will not just allow any old person to come and speak into my life, you know? It must be someone I respect and deeply trust. Someone honest and open with their lives – and still be able to convince me you have a level of integrity above mine. If you have a habit of not delivering on or even forgetting your promises – and these are task-related responsibilities, you lose a lot of points. If the chasm I see between your church self and your normal self is too wide, I try my best to respect you and be nice, but you lose credibility again. You are just as much a joke as I am anyway.
I will trust someone who has taken the time to know me, who has broken through my barriers and shown me love. Someone with the credibility of having gone through a significant amount of pain.
(Isn’t it ironic I look for people to show me love, but in the same breath I say I don’t know how to receive love.)
Oh well. For the very few people in my life whom I’ve found I can turn to, you are godsends.
This Easter the saddest thing I have to say is this: I don’t know what brand of salvation I’ve been subscribing to. I question the quality of my faith, or perhaps the trueness of it.
I’ll end by saying I hope that I am just writing this in my seething emotions, and that when all has calmed down I’ll be able to identify with a secure foundation of truth and the good God I can’t quite relate to properly.
I have been asking for years – ever since I watched The Passion of The Christ emotionlessly as a kid – that one day God will give me the grace of an honest appreciation of what He did on the cross for me.
Unfortunately, I am not there.