The first thing that accosts me as I open my eyes each morning…is loss and sadness. For the past week, at least. I have lost someone, someone’s affections.

I don’t think I have felt this sad in my life. If I have, I can’t remember. (:

I also don’t think I have ever, in my life, received so much care and affection. Or been able to receive it when offered – genuine or otherwise. I have never felt so loved, just for being me, without conditions. I have never been so nurtured…a wondrous thing. Somehow, it reached me this time.

Would you believe me if I told you I am almost grateful to feel sad? Sad, instead of numb. I feel like I have been living suppressed and numb for the larger part of my life. Years and years, layers and layers.

I have not lived a lot, only existed or performed. There were pockets of freedom and laughter that I fondly remember, but mostly, still a very contrived sort of balancing Jenga blocks made of glass. I am highly skilled at that sort of thing, and even at creating an illusion of ease. You know, how ballerinas prance along effortlessly – a highly concerted effort.

My experience of depression? Save for one spell in which I actually did cry and feel, it has always been a blanket of numbness, hollowness, a nearly catatonic sort of existence. No sadness no joy. Shut down.

Today, I am feeling. I am grateful to be feeling. Glad, excited even. I can feel.

I. Can. Feel.

I can feel!

You know the very second thought I have when I awake?

I think about Jesus: Jesus I am so sad, would You please comfort me.

Sweetly painful, painfully sweet.

That is…very surprising, very foreign. I have never known how to do that. Well yes I pray, yes I try and tell Him things…but because it is the “right thing to do”, a lot of times. I do it so that Jesus will love me, almost. Twistedly sad that I live in that untruth.

I hear people talk about how amazing the gospel is, and it feels like I am on the other side of a glass wall. It frustrates me. I don’t understand beyond an intellectual concept how its possible to be so excited about Jesus dying and taking our sins, what it’s like. I don’t know if He is compassionate and loving…although I read about it in His book all the time. I don’t know, just don’t know! A source of much angst.

The songs I like reflect this yearning. Like this one.

But could it be? Could it be that I can really lean on this Person? That He actually does love me without condition? He does?

I am tasting the hint of a hopeful discovery.

If your instinct now is to jump in immediately and write an enthusiastic comment telling me yes it is possible, then I think, you don’t know where my question is coming from. Please, please don’t do that.

I know it is possible, the existence of a loving compassionate forgiving God. In fact, whether I know it or not, it is possible. Absolute truth – I have chosen to believe it.

I just want, need to know it truer, deeper. I need to make that journey.

I have learnt the hard way that problems, issues, habits…they take years to learn and short of a miracle, years to unlearn. I used to think I could/should be fixed by reading a book, making some decisions, and convinced myself I had become better in short periods of what seem like “happier chirpier more fruitful” times, but…life is a journey. I know that more now – and maybe I don’t even know what sort of long, agonizing journey it might be. But I have let go of chasing Instant.

Taking time actually sounds more normal. I will take the time, so don’t rush me.

Just hush if you cannot be a friend!

Please try not to offer me platitudes if your everyday life does not reflect a quiet trust…in Someone greater than, superior to a frail human being, who will save you from the lion’s den and hide you under His wings. If you had quiet confidence like that you would be full of hope, not shaken by turmoil (and if ever devastated, it is because it is normal for human beings in our frailty to lose sight easily).

I will trust what you say if I see the life. Otherwise, just be my friend. Just sit in silence, accept and love me. In fact, before you speak five minutes, please, sit in silence for five hours. Please, because that really helps.

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