Sometimes, I find that tears reveal to us our deep loves.
They bring clarity, even though the distillation of a moment fails to encompass the more multi-dimensional and more fully-orbed nature of life.
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Have you heard about the trauma and grief abortion has caused women?
When you grasp its reality, you’ll realise this is not just another intellectual debate.
It distresses me, so so much. Encountering angry, post-abortive women who protest that "Thou Shall Not Mess With Women’s reproductive Rights – Fallopians 4:28”…can send me into tears.
It distresses me that women are taught to fight for their dignity in this false way.
I feel helpless for them. I want to say, sister, no, no, noooo…
But how do you relate to someone who is adamant that they are correct?
Especially when you can see – they are suffering…
Have you known any couples? The sheer joy they shared with the world when they finally conceived, had their first child? If you have your own child, do you remember how that is like? Do you remember?
Have you also known couples – women, who miscarried, and their babies died? Did you feel the sorrow they felt? Do you know how that is like?
Remember the emotions? They are etched into our human psyche.
Now think about post-abortive women. They are denied this grieving…and taught to fight for their “rights” to remove “a clump of cells”.
In Redeeming Grief, Anne Lastman says:
Beginning with a society that has decreed that abortion is acceptable and is "the choice of the woman" the same society then proceeds to build and maintain social taboos about this procedure. This leads to a collective silence. Into this silence enters the abortive woman who must then live according to the rules, which govern the society with its taboos. That is, she acquiesces to the hiddenness of her abortion and so must remain silent about any emotions that she may experience about the event.
Because the abortion has been her "choice" alone, or her "choice" with the assistance or coercion of others close to her, it is believed that there should not be any grief associated with the experience. Therefore no grief will be experienced or grief-work required. This is not so. Abortion is a death experience. A death has occurred. A violent death has taken place and a life has been summarily terminated. In actual fact two deaths occur when an abortion is carried out: the death of the infant and the death of the woman’s primal innocence. Two losses have been sustained and must be dealt with as losses, especially if the woman is to retain her emotional and mental health.
Where there is no grieving the unexpressed grief can paralyse, because it remains unresolved, unacknowledged, leading to psychological impairment. We must clearly understand this because from research we know that denial and suppression are two features most prominent in post abortive women. Unresolved grief has been suppressed grief and the result of suppressed grief is mental pain.
By denying and suppressing any emotions a woman has about her abortion, the woman (at times man also) sets into place defence mechanisms guaranteed to protect her from intrusive thoughts which she knows intuitively are too painful to bear. Intrusive thoughts about "baby" have the potential to destroy her "psychological equilibrium". The woman knows that she is unable to cope with the notion that what she aborted was her infant; therefore for her (she considers) it is better to not think about this at all.
How does the grief show up?
Abortion trauma and grief does not start the moment the woman leaves the abortion clinic. It can start any time, even beginning during the decision making process prior to the abortion, or at any time from then on, even as much as forty or fifty years later. Counselling begins after the pain, the memories an especially the guilt becomes too great and the woman seeks help, love and understanding. Post abortion grief, trauma, psychosis, leading to breakdown may begin with a simple trigger in her day to day life. A word, a smell, a sound, a song, a face, a baby, a young woman, a pram.
Post abortion counselling does not lessen the seriousness of abortion nor does it negate the sinfulness of the abortion. Its aim is to help the woman to return to a place of peace.
A warning for us today:
Past societies have at times practised euthanasia and abortion, and in primitive cultures even infanticide (when it was felt there was a need because of shortage of food), but no society or culture has practised these to the extent that it is done today, and further, no society has practised these because of a hatred of children, a love of self, and a belief that it is a "good" and a "right". A new attitude has arisen which sees nothing sacred in life. It is a frightening vision of a future culture where all, except the "appropriate", will be disposed of without emotion.
On fatherhood (which the reproductive rights movement tends to downplay), Anne writes:
Fatherhood in its truest sense means reproduction or an extension of oneself in body but above all in spirit. We have a clear image of this in the Genesis story of creation. God moulds, shapes, and breathes life into the newly fashioned figure.
Modern understanding of fatherhood fails to capture the importance of the bond between God and man and man and child. There is transference of something dynamic in the transference of a father’s essence into his son or daughter. The moral, physical and spiritual bond and the acceptance of this bond make the human being very different from the other created species.
Here’s why you should read Anne’s book:
The book Redeeming Grief reveals abortion as a trauma which at times is linked with other traumas that even today are dismissed; and pro-choice lobbies continue to deny the fact. Thanks to the true stories of more than 1,500 women counselled by Anne Lastman for post-abortion distress and presented in her book, this is revealed. Through the pain of unborn babies and the pain of their mothers – and of all involved people – healing and redemption are possible. Redeeming Grief outlines why this grief is a good and redeeming grief. – Benedetta Foà, Psychologist and post-abortion counsellor, Italy
Perhaps, you are thinking, “This is so far removed from my life. As long as I don’t abort or don’t ask my partner to abort children, that’s fine, this has nothing to do with me.”
That is not true. In many places your money (taxes) is being spent on facilitating terminations (there’s currently a bill in Australia to stop Medicare funding for sex-selective abortions – it’s a good bill to support). Whether you take any proactive action – at the very least, you need to be able to make a clear judgement: it is wrong to take an innocent life.
Many people are losing clarity, the waters are getting murkier. But it is simple: the baby dies. The woman suffers. The vast majority of abortions are performed for “mental health” or psychosocial reasons – another way of saying “the baby is inconvenient”. The hard cases (rape, incest) are very few and far between. Late-term abortions are increasing. Our world is losing respect for life.
I recently spoke to a friend who can bake very well. I admire people who can put their heart and soul into creating good eats. 
In my younger years I often failed to appreciate just how wonderful such skills are – the blessings of hospitality can overflow to others in a way that almost everyone can enjoy and appreciate. Enjoyment of hospitality is almost universal.
Anyway, my friend told me that she picked up some of her skills when she worked at a bakery. It made me remember my days working in various casual jobs.
In retrospect, I find it almost strange that no one actually encouraged me to seek out casual jobs when I was studying. The general understanding was that it was good to focus on your studies. But looking back, the various experiences working in different jobs and shops served me well.
I met different sorts of people, learnt a bit more about their hopes/dreams, what motivated/frustrated them at work, and I got to observe how some of these businesses operate.
My favourite working experience was in a cafe called The Upper Room in Singapore. I was 18. It was fun to work in the kitchen, making different recipes. Pies, pastas, smoothies. It was tiring but fulfilling work. At that time, my boss Danielle often spoke about her dream to marry and emigrate to Canada. A few years later, she had indeed done that with her life – just like how she realised her dream to open a cafe at 21!
Then I worked with a marketing company, walking Singapore’s busy streets to sell charity vouchers. That was a different ball game. The top performers had smarts and cunning. We worked in teams where we looked out for the younger ones and those whose sales were looking bleak for the day. We’d encourage each other not to give up. On a few occasions people rejected me but came back to buy a voucher much later when they perhaps saw how hard I worked at approaching people! I didn’t do this very long as I soon had to leave Singapore, but it allowed me to brush shoulders with people leading very different lives from a typical Junior College student.
At university, I worked at a dessert kiosk – where the boss would drop by every so often and order a drink to see if we had kept up the quality. I learnt a bit about managing a small business then, as I got to observe the ordering and managing of stock. I didn’t enjoy it as much as the cafe, the menu was more limited here, but it was different, and I met interesting people.
I also worked at a fashion shop – but I quit as soon as I could. I felt bad for the other full-time employees who worked under the regime. They were often disgruntled and there were sometimes unhappy fights to win commissions. It was also sometimes quite tedious/boring, which helped me appreciate my dad’s patience in this industry that he also works in. Dad used to tell me you had to practise not being bored standing in the shops when things were quiet. He said being interested and alert were good habits to cultivate.
After graduating, I did a few more media-related stints here and there, and I found each experience quite different, challenging and valuable. There was one stint I particularly struggled to appreciate, and I think I left in a bad and embarrassing manner. It’s one of the things I cringe at most when I look back.
Now I am 24. It strikes me more and more how much people are shaped by their backgrounds. You can trace their mindset, habits, passions, drive (or lack thereof) and fears back to what happened in their lives and how their community (or isolation!) shaped them.
Significant events change people’s lives, sometimes for better, and sometimes I suppose for worse – although I think bad situations tend to have the greatest potential for good to come out of them if you reflect incisively and respond positively.
I had quite an unusual weekend.
Peter and Diane Stevens invited me over to Melbourne for a couple of days, to help them start a group of young people who want to see righteousness, peace and joy restored to Victoria and the nation.
It has been pretty unusual for me to spend time in the company of people who live their lives in fullness of faith – especially in the aspect of God’s providence of finance. When I left I wrote them a card. I told them I found them and their thinking quite radical and disturbing.
Before I visited, they asked me what I wanted to do, and I had two requests. One, to visit The Babes Project, and two, to meet with Bill Muehlenberg.
Visiting Helen Parker and The Babes Project (see Helen’s story here) was challenging for me. I’d written about them in the past and Peter had been involved with them previously, but I really wanted to see it for myself. How did this place – teeming with life and attracting all sorts of community support – how did it start and grow? What were the ingredients?
A volunteer greeted us at the door. She shared her story about how she got pregnant in Year 11 and was booked in to have an abortion. The night before her scheduled appointment, she somehow decided to tell her mum about it. Thank God for the grace and encouragement from her mum – she kept her baby. Four years later and volunteering at The Babes Project she is influencing the lives of many young girls. What a story.
As we had lunch at their pregnancy crisis centre, two mums came in. These mums had been supported throughout their pregnancies by The Babes. One shared about how terrified she was being a single mum – but The Babes acted as a safe place for her, and most importantly, a place to celebrate her life and her children’s lives.
I could see it, in the way these ladies were relating to each other, in the atmosphere. This was a place where they were important, they were loved, they were celebrated, and were not “people who had made horrible mistakes”. Their children were loved and celebrated. The other mum came in and needed help looking for a new rental property, and Helen was offering her advice straight away.
It was challenging for me to experience it, and to try and grasp how small beginnings flourish into bigger things when the right faith steps are taken. It helped me recognise the real power of a positive faith-filled attitude.
Would you like to support them? Check out this link to see the kind of help they need to grow their vision!
I also had a fun time with Bill – who had been on my heart for awhile. He told me to put up a picture with him, with caption “greatest man on earth”, so here it is.
I’ve been thinking lately about how different people are made, with different strengths and weaknesses.
People who are aware of that and comfortable with themselves tend to achieve more with their lives. They tend not to be crippled by doubts or fears or criticism. They tend to be more confident in recognising their calling, and while they are comfortable grieving over their sorrows, they tend to be happier, healthier people.
