I am half asleep but I’m now preparing materials for my students later. I didn’t feel like doing it last night. They want to learn public speaking. I have no idea what I’m going to teach. I’m stealing everything from the net. (This is Alor Star, Chinese-ed people here really have very little exposure.)

Yesterday was also very frustrating.

My mum made such a funny joke I laughed and laughed and before I knew it I was crying and crying all over again. The tears came from deep inside…my stomach? Ah…what the heck. Who will understand. Except God, maybe. And those that have really been through fire, lost a loved one, etc.

I feel handicapped. Handicapped because I can’t do what I love doing, what I dream of doing. One day I have plans to teach in school, teach tuition, and the next, I just don’t feel like doing anything at all. I can’t sustain anything. I mean I can force myself to persevere, just like I have been doing the past 2 years, but…it wouldn’t help me get better.

I feel so handicapped.

I was so bitter yesterday I lashed out very rudely at everyone on MSN. Except my favourite chat buddies who know exactly how to cheer me up: talk crap.

One guy, he had the nerve to tell me some bullshit about how life is like a piano, there are black and white keys, the black keys are the bad days, and without them a piano cannot sound good. AND there are always more white keys than black.

I don’t want to hear your beautiful quotes about rainbows and tomorrows. The pain I am feeling is NOW. It is REAL. It is not a quote.

Whatever. I am really half-asleep this must be the most careless post I’ve ever posted.